3 - Listening to understand the nuances - Dr. Jennifer Goldman on embracing Healthy Conflict and finding our style

Jen speaks about 4 common conflict habits we gravitate to – Blame (externalize the problem), Shame (internalize the problem), Shut down (refuse to have a conversation), Relentlessly Collaborate (proactively work with the other side). She speaks about how we end up developing one of these styles and what happens when we meet another person or entity that has a different conflict habit.

In the previous nugget, Jen speaks about each of us defaulting to one of 4 conflict types. When we are in conflict with another person, they often have one dominant conflict type out of 4. That lends itself to 16 permutations. Jen, however, states that most of the conflict patterns in pairs end up falling into 5 frequently found permutations. She speaks about why this might be the case

Jen speaks about our tendency to look at conflict in simplistic and often binary terms. She speaks about a few techniques we could use to understand the various dimensions of the conflict and the interconnections between the various actors involved in the situation. She suggests that we don’t fall for the simplistic narrative that bubbles up immediately in front of us.

Jennifer refers to the legendary “I have a dream” speech from Martin Luther King and speak about the criticality of engaging our various senses in the way we see a situation. She urges us to imagine a future that we can describe with our various senses.

Jen speaks about how we should practice pausing in the moment (reactive) and otherwise (proactive) for us to be able to choose responding instead of reacting at various points in time

Jen speaks about the occasional downsides of some traits like empathy and collaboration. As they say, too much of a good thing might be a bad thing. She speaks about situations where it is helpful for us to maintain a healthy distance from what is going on rather than getting deep into it. She also speaks about situations where collaboration might be counter-productive.

Jen speaks about how we all need to be cognizant of the values of the person we are dealing with. She goes on to categorize the values on the other side as ideal values and shadow values. Ideal values are those that are visible and those that the person is willing to acknowledge. Shadow values often are those that are hidden below the surface and the person may not publicly acknowledge those.

We often use phrases without often questioning where they come from or what the deeper meaning behind those might be. Jen here shares her perspective around the phrase “taking a walk” and how it could have an impact on how we see a situation.

Jen shares her perspectives around how we can try different conflict breaking paths for us to get out of the loop. She specifically refers to what President Carter did to reframe the conversations in Camp David where his talks with the then President of Egypt (Anwar Sadat) and the then Prime Minister of Israel (Menachem Begin).